


summer nights and shifting tides

by seastormed



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Family, Childhood Friends, M/M, Summer Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 12:15:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20488736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seastormed/pseuds/seastormed
Summary: Due to their brothers being best friends, Taeil's and Johnny's lives have been tangled together for as long as they can remember. The unspoken thing between them that they've been trying to make sense of for a decade has become too large to ignore, but Taeil fears that everything will unravel once they acknowledge it.





	summer nights and shifting tides

Taeil was drifting gently to sleep when he was hastily pulled back to consciousness. 

"_Taeil hyung! _ " Donghyuck's voice called out from the next room. When he doesn't respond, the voice calls out again, this time, sounding closer. " _ Taeil hyung, can I borrow your charger? _" 

Taeil can feel his annoyance — the kind borne out of being fished out from sleep— bubbling in his chest, but he pushes it down. It's an art form he's mastered through the years. 

Donghyuck finally marches into their shared room, intending to ask for the charger once more, but his demeanor instantly changes the moment he sees his brother bleary eyed and clearly awakened by his calls.

"Oh, you were sleeping! I'm sorry! I'll just..." 

"No, it's okay. I wasn't sleeping." Taeil smiles warmly at Donghyuck, whose cheeks were flushed, presumably from playing around with Mark.

Taeil's phone was at 5%, but he unplugs it and hands the charger to Donghyuck just the same.

By the time that Donghyuck returns to the living room, Taeil crashes back onto the bed, but he can no longer fall asleep.

Taeil lies in bed with his arms spread open, staring at the insects hopelessly attracted to the light from the ceiling lamp. He ponders on life’s many complexities, such as: _ How the fuck is it possible to be too tired to fall asleep? _

_ It’s been a long day. _

Donghyuck and Mark had been begging all summer for a trip to the beach, but Taeil could never get his schedule to match with Johnny’s. Through strategic planning, bargaining with their respective bosses, and a sheer miracle, Taeil and Johnny managed to get a few days off a mere week before their brothers’ summer vacation ended. 

So, early in the morning, running on three hours of sleep, Taeil loaded their bags onto Johnny’s SUV and braced himself for a grueling eight-hour drive. Johnny and Taeil had agreed on rotational driving shifts, while their brothers sat at the back, seemingly on their own rotational schedule. Within the span of their eight-hour drive, the two teenagers tirelessly laughed, gossiped, played, and occasionally, bickered on loop, stopping only to take short naps.

Hours pass, (he’s not sure how long he’s been tossing and turning and staring into nothingness) and the house has finally quieted down. The door to his room opens, and based on the heavy footsteps, he knows it’s Johnny even without looking.

“Can’t sleep?” Johnny sits at the edge of the bed, gently pushing Taeil to make space. “Scoot over. Come on.”

Taeil groans. “Don’t you have your own bed?”

“I’ll have you know that your brother has taken my place on my shared bed with Mark.” 

“Sleep on the couch then.” 

Johnny once again tries to get him to move, but Taeil is determined to be as heavy and uncooperative as possible. It’s all play, though. They both know that Johnny can physically carry him, walk a few kilometers, and throw him right in the middle of the freeway if he wanted to.

“Hyung, you rented this place. You don’t get to kick me out.”

Taeil admits that renting a small bungalow with only two rooms and two beds probably isn’t the best idea, but he reasons back anyway. “It’s private! And it was the cheapest one okay!”

“Because it only has two beds!” 

Taeil playfully hits him with a pillow, and just like that, at least for a moment, he forgets how exhausted he is. 

Giving up, Johnny suddenly changes his tone. “Since you don’t wanna make space, wanna head out instead?”

“At this hour?” Taeil asks, puzzled.

“Come on; when I went out earlier to get some drinks, I talked to some locals. I wanna see something.”

“It's late.”

“It’s not like you were sleeping. Come on.”

  
=================

“Ow!”

Taeil isn't sure what he stepped on, but it hurt.

"Why did I agree to this?" Taeil asks himself aloud.

Johnny takes the opportunity to tease him. “Because I’m irresistible, and you love me.”

“That’s it. I’m going back.”

"Don’t be like that! Come on. It's not that far off."

Taeil walks tentatively in the dark, guided only by the light from Johnny's phone.

They walk along a small footpath leading, according to Johnny, to the beach. The path was a few hundred meters away from the main beach though, leading to a less frequented, more remote stretch.

Johnny wasn’t a very good guide, each step unsure and punctuated with yelps of panic whenever he steps on something unfamiliar.

"What's the use of all the working out if you're scared of everything?" Taeil jibes.

"You're one to talk!" Johnny shakes his arm, which Taeil has been holding on to for dear life. Embarrassed, he quickly lets it go to save his dignity. 

He finally feels sand under his feet, and it was getting harder and harder to maintain his footing, each step burying his flip flops in loose sand, then another flinging the coarse grains everywhere, some sticking to the moisture in his shins.

Nagging thoughts buzz around his head and he swats them away before they convince him to turn back.

He really wants to cling back on to Johnny's arm, but he reserves his pride and grabs a fistful of his shirt instead.

“Stop that, hyung!” Johnny snaps in panic.

“This was your idea, so if I fall, I’m taking you with me.”

  
After a couple of minutes, they finally reach the end of the pathway, revealing a wide expanse that was hard to make out at first.

“We’re here.” 

It takes a while, a few blinks before his eyes adjust.

It catches him off guard, the silence and stasis, not a noise save for the crashing of the waves in the distance where the water has receded. The waning moon gives off a soft bluish glow, a dented circle hanging in the sky, as the cool breeze blows kisses on Taeil’s warm skin, leaving behind a sticky salty sheen. 

It feels almost greedy how only four eyes can see this, two noses, two tongues tasting the breeze, four lungs filling up with air so heavy it’s almost like drowning. Each breath isn’t enough; the salty air brings in the whole ocean, and his body can’t possibly house something so large. So, he breathes and breathes, trying to calm the tightening in his chest.

“_Aaaah _ !!” Johnny stretches his arms up high, exclaiming. “ _ It’s so beautiful! It’s so beautiful!! _” 

Johnny opens his arms, bouncing up and down on his toes, his heels bouncing off the damp sand, as Taeil remained still and silent in his awe. To Johnny, his admiration must be known, announced, shown, and Taeil always says as little as possible, using words sparingly, choosing them carefully.

“I told you it would be worth the trouble,” Johnny says, breathing in, eyes closed.

“It is.” 

They walk along the damp sand that was underwater just a few hours ago, seaweed and corals strewn about. As they near the strip where the low tide crashes gently on the sand, Taeil thinks that the sea recedes at night because it’s resting, tired of reaching and rising to touch land, finally retreating back to its basin. 

But he knows that's not true, that it had something to do with the moon and gravity and things taught in school that he can no longer remember. 

He stops and turns to look at the younger man beside him, with the moonlight grazing his hair, his cheeks, and his cupid’s bow. 

The butterflies in his stomach flap their wings, and on the other side of the world there is a hurricane because Johnny is so beautiful _God, he’s perfect_.

He was fifteen when he first met Johnny. On the very first day Donghyuk and Mark met each other, they were inseparable—literally. Taeil and Johnny took turns trying to separate the two, but they couldn't without all the resistance and yelling. The two finally agree to separate with the promise that they'd see each other the next day.

And when the two children saw each other the next day, Taeil and Johnny did, too. 

Even as the children outgrew the playground, they found a way to be together, and as a consequence, Taeil and Johnny were always together too.

They weren't exactly best friends. Johnny had his own best friend, and Taeil did too. They were something else. They were each other's constants. Through the years, they’ve woven themselves into each other’s lives, and the way their lives had been intertwined had blurred the lines between what’s family, friendship, and something else entirely.

Pretty soon, their brothers will grow up, learn to drive, and go to college. When their brothers outgrow their dependence on them, and when circumstances no longer draw them together, will they outgrow each other too? 

Maybe, once time passes by, the feelings will fade out eventually. But he knows that's not true. Time_ has _passed by. A decade has passed, and the feelings are still there, having morphed from something small and insignificant into something large, heavy, and willfully unacknowledged. 

At least the tides and the moon had laws governing them. 

Suddenly, he feels water splash on his face, his mouth assaulted by salty water. With water still dripping from his chin, he slowly turns towards the culprit.

Johnny is doubling over in laughter, eyes turning into crescents and lines forming in his cheeks.

Taeil then gets ready for revenge, bending down to cup seawater in his hands.

Johnny holds out his hands in front of him, trying to appease him. “I’m sorry, hyung! I got my phone with me! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

It does nothing to stop Taeil from splashing him anyway. To stop him, Johnny runs up to him and lifts him, swaying him from side to side. 

“Put me down!”  
“Make me!”

Soon, they're reduced to a giggling mess, stomachs cramping from laughter.

Johnny finally lets him go, as his heart goes for a world record, a million beats per minute, his cheeks and the tips of his ears feeling hot. 

_ Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. _

“It’s too cold, We should go back,” Taeil says too quickly, too defensively.

“Let’s just sit for a bit before we go.”

They make their way back to dry sand, where they plop down next to each other, finally settling from their high. 

Taeil thinks about how nice it would be for all of them to have seen all of this. 

“We should’ve brought the kids,” he tells Johnny. 

“I didn’t want to wake them up. Besides, I wanted to do this with you.” 

As if testing the waters, Johnny drapes an arm around Taeil’s shoulder. “I wanted to do something peaceful. With you.” Taeil tries to test the waters too, as he rests his head lightly on Johnny’s chest. 

They stay this way for a while, taking in each other’s warmth. Maybe later, he can shake off his feelings like the sand in his clothes so that he can forget how it feels to be this close to him. He’s used to it anyway. Sometimes, they’ll share a moment just like this one, then they’d go on with their lives pretending that nothing happened. But for now, everything is perfect, so he stays still and savors everything.

When he feels that the silence has become too heavy, he raises a question he’d been meaning to ask. 

“Johnny, why didn’t you wake me up?”

“Hmm?”

“For my driving shift. You didn’t wake me up. If I didn’t wake up on my own, you would have driven my entire shift. You must be exhausted.”

Johnny shakes his head, smiling warmly. “No! I'm not. I know that you barely get any sleep these days. I downed two iced americanos today; I'm all good.” 

Johnny's nice to everyone— not just regularly polite, but really, truly considerate and thoughtful— which is really inconvenient for someone who maybe has feelings for him. 

“You should rest.”

“And you should too,” Taeil replies. 

“Wanna go back?” 

“Hmm...” Taeil wants to go back, but before that, he tries to take in everything that’s in front of him. He stares at the moon, the sea, and the exact shade of midnight the sky is.

“Is that a yes or no?”

Taeil chuckles. “Yes. Just give me a moment.” After a pause, he continues, “I’m making sure that I’ll remember it. Being here with you.” He straightens up and turns his head to face Johnny. In the dark, he can’t see his face clearly, but he still studies the contours of his face, from his forehead to his jaw, trying to commit it to memory. “I want to memorize every single detail so l can go back when everything becomes too much.”

Johnny is looking at him strangely, like he wants to say something but can’t.

“What?” Taeil asks.

But Johnny doesn’t reply. Instead, he leans forward and presses his lips against Taeil’s.

There are fireworks in his stomach where the butterflies used to be, exploding in technicolor as everything fades away, and all he can feel is soft lips against his, locked in a hesitant kiss. 

When they pull apart, Johnny looks him in the eye, searching. 

As the initial high wears off, doubt starts bubbling in his gut, tainting his insides black. 

_ Why is he doing this? _ _But he doesn’t love me. Not like that._

He pushes away a thought he deemed was too much of a stretch: that Johnny actually did love him, that the kiss wasn’t some spur-of-the-moment experiment, and that maybe, Johnny is speaking his language, declaring his love in silence when he thinks words will fail him.

He allows himself this little slice of happiness, of selfishness, as he leans closer towards Johnny, their noses and lips lightly brushing. 

He takes a deep breath as Johnny pulls him closer and kisses him, this time, deeper and with more certainty. 

They kiss slowly at first, just lips, trying to find their rhythm. Then, tentatively, he brushes his tongue lightly on Johnny’s lip, and suddenly, all restraint goes out the window, replaced with need, hunger, and urgency. 

In an effort to close the space between them, he holds on to the back of Johnny’s neck as the younger man pushes him down on his back. Johnny starts trailing kisses along his jaw, inching down towards his neck, and his breath hitches as Johnny’s hand travels down, his fingers digging into his thigh. In response, he slips a hand under Johnny’s shirt, running his fingers along his back. 

Johnny takes his hands and pins him down, their interlaced fingers sinking into the sand as their lips meet once more, drinking in each others’ moans and sighs.

But, before things go out of hand, Taeil pauses, at the same time as Johnny, as if instinctively knowing when to stop. They stare into each other’s eyes, panting, knowing that they’ve allowed themselves enough luxury for the night. 

Taeil breaks the silence first. 

"We should head back."

"Yeah. The kids might wake up."

"And we got a long day tomorrow."

They walk along the dark pathway going back to their rental, but this time, they walk in silence with their hands locked together. The recent memory of their lips together and their hands on each other dances around Taeil's mind, and desire bears heavy at the pit of his stomach. Distracted, he barely notices that they've made it through the pathway and are now walking on paved ground.

As they saunter towards the tungsten glow of the bungalow's porch light, Taeil thinks he’s taken some of the ocean with him. He feels his ribs rattle as restless waves crash and pull, and he wonders what laws govern the tides within him. 

Johnny very slowly unlocks the front door, and they tiptoe back in, trying not to wake their brothers. 

He didn’t notice earlier when they left, but now, Taeil can see that the house was a mess, and he makes a mental note to wake up earlier than usual to tidy up. They make their way to Taeil and Donghyuck’s shared room (supposedly, anyway), closing the door as slowly and cautiously as humanly possible. 

Too tired to change out of their sandy clothes, the pair take each side of the bed, waves of fatigue washing over them. They face each other momentarily; then, drunk on exhaustion and the memory of their kiss, they inch closer together. Johnny places his hand on the small of Taeil’s back and pulls him closer, until they’re only a breath away from another kiss.

Just as they were about to close the gap between their lips, they hear the door to Johnny and Mark’s room open. 

Taeil, in his panic, pulls away from Johnny and turns the opposite way, trying hard not to breathe audibly. Frozen, he listens carefully to the sounds outside: a fridge door opening, water being poured into a glass, and a door closing.

When the house falls back into silence, Taeil finally relaxes and faces the man next to him.

Johnny has fallen asleep, and Taeil is overcome with emotions he can’t quite place yet. He stays awake and watches his chest rising and falling, eyes fluttering in a dream.

With his heart beating frantically, he falls to the calls of slumber, swimming in dreams of long drives, stars, and butterflies.

  
=================

When Taeil wakes up, his eyes are assaulted by ferocious sunlight filtering through the window. Disoriented, covered in a sheen of sweat, and suffering from a mild headache, he gets up to splash water on his face and to brush his teeth. In the mirror, he examines the dark circles under his eyes and lets out a long sigh. 

He realizes now that not only had he forgotten to set an alarm earlier than usual, but he also slept through all his regular-timed alarms. Not that it mattered though. As he made his way to the living room, he can see that the house had been tidied up, and Johnny, Mark, and Donghyuck are happily chattering over breakfast.

“Look who’s up and about!” Mark exclaims as soon as he sees him.  
“You guys made breakfast?” 

“Nah, we just woke up too! It was Johnny hyung.”

Taeil looks at Johnny, and his heart jumps to his throat, memories of last night flying back into his mind. He can feel the panic set in, so he pretends to busy himself with the coffee machine. 

Johnny calls out to him. “Are you making coffee? I already made you some.”

With his excuse going down the drain, he forces himself to calm down enough to sit at the table, taking a sip of his coffee — two sugars, two cream. Johnny knew those little things about him— but knowing that Johnny knows a decade's worth of "little things" about him now feels strange, and he can feel his ears and cheeks going red hot over the thought. _ Please don't let the kids notice it _, he pleads to every deity there is.

Johnny, upon seeing him settled on the table, redirects his attention to the two teenagers. “Anyway. You two idiots. Can you clean up after yourselves? We’re gonna get rats in here. Taeil hyung’s Airbnb rating’s gonna tank, and we’ll never be able to book a place ever again.”

Mark, in the tone of someone trying to wriggle himself out of trouble, defends: "To be fair, we were gonna clean up, but you beat us to it."

Donghyuck adds fuel to the fire, taking in a big forkful of scrambled eggs. "You woke up too early, really." 

“I’ll kill you both.” Johnny lightly smacks the two of them on their heads. The two, holding on to their heads and laughing, try to appeal to Taeil’s sympathy. “Ow! Taeil hyung! Johnny hyung’s being mean again!”

It’s all the same. The usual. They’re bickering and laughing over breakfast like they always do, but somehow, Taeil feels oddly out of place, like he’s not there yet and this is all a dream. Was last night just a dream? Is he still dreaming? Why is Johnny okay and normal while he can’t even bring himself to look in Johnny's direction?

The sinking feeling that last night was just nothing creeps up on him. He did try his best not to put too much meaning on whatever the hell last night was, but it still feels like someone punctured a hole in his lung. 

He finally snaps out of it once Mark and Donghyuck get up to change into their swimming clothes. He’s finished his coffee, but he hasn’t taken a single bite out of his toast, which had now gone halfway stale. He quickly stuffs it into his mouth and gets up to help Johnny clear the table. 

Before Johnny can argue, Taeil firmly declares that he’ll be washing the dishes, and he takes his place by the sink before Johnny can get a word in.

Once Johnny finishes cleaning up, he approaches Taeil and leans back against the countertop beside the sink.

“Did you sleep well, hyung?”

"Yes." After a pause, he adds, “...because you didn’t wake me up.”

"You looked really peaceful when you were sleeping. I didn’t have the heart to wake you up. Besides, you could use the extra sleep."

There he goes again with his niceness— the kind that’s nice enough to be interpreted into something else, but not really. He’d been weathering this kind of confusion for years, but with the added context of last night, it becomes unbearable. It takes everything for Taeil not to snap at him.

He pauses to look up at the younger and much taller man beside him. “Johnny. Wake me up. To drive my shift. To clean the house. To help make breakfast.” Inhaling back in his temper, he quickly turns his attention back to the plates in the sink.

Johnny shrugs. "It’s not a big deal. I just want you to get some rest sometimes. Especially now. It’s your vacation.”

“It’s your vacation too.”

Johnny lets out a half-frustrated, half-worried noise. “Do you think I haven’t noticed that you haven’t taken a day off in a year? It’s fine. I can drive a few hours longer and sleep a few hours shorter. Don’t worry about it.”

Their conversation is cut off by their brothers, already dressed and hurriedly slathering sunblock on their skin. "Come on, let's go!" 

“You guys go ahead; we’ll catch up.”

Mark and Donghyuck didn’t need to be told twice; they happily run along, excited for a day at the beach.

When the front door closes and he’s sure that the two are far away from earshot, Taeil picks up where they left off. 

“Look. I don’t like to— I can’t always depend on people. I can't always depend on you.” 

“Yes you can!” Johnny steps closer and gently holds him by the waist. Unable to resist, he allows Johnny to turn his body to face him, and when he inches even closer, he lets him. “There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, especially from me.” 

The nagging feeling that Johnny’s playing with him mixes with the uncomfortable possibility that maybe Johnny is being serious, and his insides whirl with a potent mix of anxiousness and longing. 

Johnny pulls him into a hug, gently whispering, “You don’t have to do things alone because you’re not alone. I’m here.” Johnny then plants a soft kiss on his cheek, then another on his jaw. “You know I’ll drop everything if you asked me to.” 

Taeil thinks that his heart is going to burst out of his chest and bounce off into the sea, never to be seen again.

Since things are going _ this _way, he gathers every fibre of courage within him to ask the single question swimming in his mind and clouding his otherwise sunny morning. “Last night...why did you do it?” 

Johnny pulls away just enough to look him in the eye. “Do you really not know?”

Taeil opens his lips to respond, but he hears their brothers’ voices quickly approaching. Johnny hears them too, and the two quickly untangle from each other, with Taeil going back to scrubbing the dishes and Johnny pretending to wipe the countertop. 

The front door opens with a bang. Mark marches in and breaks into a jog towards his room, with Donghyuck following shortly after and sheepishly explaining, “we forgot to bring towels.” 

Once the kids leave, Taeil places the last dish on the rack. “I’m done. Let’s go?”

With their conversation abruptly ended and with hundreds of questions looming above them, they get changed and head outside.

They walk together to the beach, but instead of taking the narrow pathway, they used the main path, which had stores and food carts lining it. 

The heat seeps through everything, even the soles of his flip-flops, and he squints from the glare of the morning sun. He internally kicks himself for leaving his sunglasses at the last rest stop of their drive.

They pause for a bit at a tourist-trap shop to check out random souvenirs and knick-knacks. Johnny spots a pair of sunglasses with a leaf-patterned neon green frame and a tacky t-shirt with a terrible pun (“Beach, Please!”). Johnny, amused, buys both (among other things), and he walks outside looking silly and delighted with himself. “Here, put this on.” Johnny hands him a pair of plastic sunglasses with a flower-patterned neon pink frame. “I bought this so we can match.” 

This adamant refusal to let anything get in the way of fun is something that Johnny and Taeil share, and even when things get difficult, Johnny always reminds Taeil that there's fun to be had in anything. Taeil puts on the sunglasses and tries to push away any thoughts that will get in the way of their current fun, which includes the question they never got to address: “_ Do you really not know? _” 

The beach isn’t as crowded as they expected as they easily spot Donghyuck and Mark playing by the shore. 

As Taeil puts down his tote bag to lay out a beach mat, Johnny runs to Mark to lift him and dunk him into the sea. 

A chuckle is drawn out of him, and it felt like a bubble bursting: the weight in his chest is lifted, at least for now, and he allows himself to run to the water to have fun. It doesn’t go as planned, though, as Donghyuck lifts _ him _ up and throws him into the water. 

After wading for a while and playing an intense game of chicken fight (rigged, by the way, since Johnny is too tall), Taeil surrenders and retreats back to the beach mat to sit and drink some water.

As he’s drinking, Johnny also drags himself out of the water to sit beside him.

“Hey.” Johnny was golden, with his sleeves rolled, wet hair pushed back, and light brown eyes sparkling under the sun. He tries really hard not to stare.

“You tired already?” Johnny asks.  
“Are you judging me? ” Taeil playfully pushes him.  
Johnny clutches the part of his arm that he pushed, pretending to be hurt. “Ow! I’m not judging you. I’m literally sitting here too, right?”

“We’re so old,” Taeil remarks, looking at their brothers still playing in the water.

“Hey! We used to have that kind of energy too! Remember that time we went hiking?”  
“I didn’t have energy back then either! And I lost my shoe in the mud and everything.” 

He was seventeen when Johnny tried to get him out of the house by forcing him to go hiking. Taeil was having some sort of a teenage rut, where all he wanted to do was to lie in bed and listen to sad music. Johnny was convinced that physical activity and some fresh air will get him out of it. What he didn't expect was for it to rain, making the trail muddy and dangerous, especially for someone like Taeil, who had never set foot in one. On their way down, he slipped, with his entire right leg sinking into squelchy mud. When he pulled it out, his shoe was gone. He sulked about his shoe and his hurt pride for a week until Johnny came to his house with a new pair of shoes and a promise to never force him into hiking or any form of physical activity ever again. 

He felt like total shit back then, but now, he chuckles, remembering their chaotic trip through the lens of nostalgia. 

Taeil, in his tiredness, looks for something to rest his head on. He digs through his tote bag but finds that all the towels have been used. He sighs in defeat and leans back on his elbows instead.

Johnny looks at him, then pats his own lap. “Come here.”

It takes Taeil a second to realize that Johnny is offering his lap for him to lie on. This is supposed to not be a big deal; they’re used to lying on each other’s laps. But right now, Taeil is frozen on the spot, unable to think. 

_ Nothing can get in the way of our fun. It’s our vacation. I won’t make it awkward. _ He tells himself this, and he takes up Johnny on his offer.

He rests his head on Johnny’s thigh, trying his best to be cool about it. His cool lasts about ten seconds though, as Johnny leans forward to push aside the wet hair sticking to his forehead. “There you go,” Johnny tells him. Something warm and pleasant spreads in his chest, and he turns to his side to try and kill it. 

He rests his eyes for a while, trying not to feel anything. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but he is suddenly aware of the sensation of sand being scooped on top of his legs.

“Johnny, are the kids trying to bury me?” Taeil asks, eyes still closed.  
“No they’re not.” 

Then, he feels another stream of sand, this time on his arm. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He gets up, catching Donghyuck and Mark sitting by his feet, shoveling sand over his legs. He looks back at Johnny and sees him guiltily laughing with a hand full of sand. As he tries to get up, sand flies everywhere as the two, giggling, run away back into the water. Taeil chases after them, with Johnny following right behind him. 

They play and swim until they couldn’t, and when they go back to their rental after their long day, they didn’t have much energy for anything else. Even Donghyuck and Mark didn’t have the energy to play video games. 

Taeil and Donghyuck crash into their bed, feeling exhausted and waterlogged. Donghyuck, in a familiar gesture of affection, traps Taeil in a hug, burying his face into his brother’s chest. Taeil absentmindedly runs his fingers through his brother’s hair.

“Hyung.”

“Hmm?”

Donghyuck doesn’t reply right away, as if he’s thinking if he should continue. The boy takes a deep breath, then finally asks the question he’d been itching all day to ask. “Is there something going on between you and Johnny hyung?”

The question acts as a starting pistol, and his heart sets off on a hundred-meter dash to the end of a cliff. Finding it hard to breathe, he can feel his hands and cheeks go uncomfortably cold.

“What?”

Donghyuck pries himself from his brother, now lying beside him to look him in the eye.

“I saw you. Earlier.”

Taeil manages an awkward, shaky laugh. “Huh?” Maybe feigning ignorance will somehow work.

“I saw you in the kitchen. From the window. Before Mark came back in.”

“Oh…I don’t know, Hyuck.” 

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

Donghyuck has always been good with confrontations. He can get anyone to squirm even if he’s in the wrong. However, when it comes to baring his truth, he shies away and even avoids it entirely. (It’s one of the many things that the two of them have in common.) At this moment though, he started the conversation, so he averts Taeil’s gaze and plays with a loose thread in the blanket before speaking his mind.

“Hyung. I’ll never think anyone’s good enough for you. And it doesn't help that you have shit taste in guys too.”

“_Hey!” _

“It’s true though! Remember that asswipe you chased after while you were in college?” Donghyuck looks him in the eye to make his point; then, he quickly looks away again.

Taeil doesn't know how much Donghyuck knows about it. During his second year in college, he really liked this guy from his political science class. The guy enjoyed the attention, and he just strung Taeil along enough to keep him flattered. Taeil was stupid enough to do all sorts of favors for him, even doing his papers for him. 

Taeil worked two jobs back then, so he barely slept trying to juggle everything. Donghyuck saw him struggling, so he nagged him every day about it. Donghyuck knew that after the semester ended, the guy just completely ghosted him.

He's not sure, though, if Donghyuck knows what happened after that; he was just thirteen back then, after all.

Taeil went to confront the guy, but he was with his friends, and his arm was wrapped around a pretty girl’s waist. As if the humiliation wasn’t enough, the guy called him slurs as a big cherry on top of the whole shitshow. When he told Johnny this over several bottles of soju, Johnny drove to the guy's dorm, called him down, and punched him in the face.

Donghyuck finally speaks up again, still struggling with his words. “Anyway, I think that… I just think that if it’s Johnny hyung, I’m okay with it. I really can’t think of two people who deserve to be happy as much as you guys.”

Taeil looks at his brother—really looks at him— and is hit by the realization of how fast time has flown. He calls Mark and Donghyuck “kids” like he always has, but the two of them are young men now. Over the course of a decade, his brother has become taller, stronger, and braver than him.

With a warm rush of affection, Taeil reaches to ruffle his brother’s hair. “Hyuck-ah. You’re so grown up.” 

Trying not to sound too sentimental, he adds, “How did you grow this big? You’re taller than me now.” 

“I’ve been taller than you for years. Shut up.” 

In retaliation, Taeil pokes at Donghyuck’s stomach, eliciting small giggles and counterattacks.

After a while, the two brothers finally give in to tiredness and slept peacefully side-by-side, just like when they were little. 

=================

On their last day, the four of them decide to have a barbecue party. After another day spent at the beach, they set up their little celebration at the small backyard of their rental. Johnny and Mark set up the tables and chairs, while Donghyuck did everything else. 

When it comes to cooking or any domestic task, really, Donghyuck is the expert. When their parents died, Taeil had to work two jobs while trying to finish his schooling. Sometimes, he went home too tired to even change out of his work clothes. Sure, Johnny's mom would sometimes try to help by sending food, but Donghyuck was the one who stepped up to make sure that they both can always eat warm meals and wear clean clothes. 

Now, watching him expertly chopping ingredients and preparing the meat for grilling, Taeil feels both useless and proud. He lingers around, waiting for Donghyuck to ask him to bring him this and that, wishing he could do more to help.

Mark, a self-proclaimed disaster in the kitchen, excuses himself from any culinary task and goes out with his brother to buy drinks and ice. 

Taeil then finally finds something to do: he starts to light the fire for the grill. It's been several minutes, but the humid air and the shitty charcoal won't let him get a fire started. Donghyuck's almost done preparing everything, and he starts sweating from the time pressure. 

After several fruitless attempts, he finally gets a small fire started, and he raises his fists to the skies and lets out a triumphant yell. 

"What are we celebrating?" Mark and Johnny return, each carrying one side of a cooler, which they drop on the ground, bottles, cans, and ice sloshing about inside. 

"I lit the fire!" 

"Yeah!" Mark runs to high-five him, both of them bouncing and cheering. Mark whips out a crazy dance, looking sort of like those human balloons stores put up when there's a sale. 

"You guys having fun?" Donghyuck playfully snipes at them, carrying plates of marinated meat. 

"Hyuck, go ahead and set the table with Mark. I'll grill these for you."

Happy to be useful, Taeil puts on a yellow apron as the hiss and smoke of the grill envelope him. 

After the first batch, though, the collective oils gather, and a sheet of foil on the grill catches on fire. He tries to fan the flames, then realizes that doing so will only keep the fire going. Soon, the kids notice, and they exclaim, half horrified and half amused. 

Finally, Johnny steps in to help, lifting the blazing foil using the tongs, dropping it on the ground, and snuffing it with his shoe. 

After the fiasco, they look at each other, wide eyed and at a loss for words. It's Johnny who laughs first. Soon, they both let out belly laughs, holding on to each other for balance. "What the hell did you do?" Johnny laughs.

Taeil likes this; it feels just like always. But then, Johnny slides his hand from Taeil's shoulder, down his back, and settles it on his hip, and he feels like the rug has been pulled from under him. Things were not the same.

Johnny smiles warmly at him. "I'll help you finish up."

"No, no, you don't have to." He meant to make it sound cool and unaffected, but it sounded like he was begging. Johnny had already put on a glossy pink apron, though, a heat-proof glove on one hand and a pair of tongs on the other.

They work in silence side by side, trying to avoid inhaling too much smoke. 

"Hyung, try this." Johnny holds out the tongs to him, a piece of grilled pork at the end of it. 

"No—"

He really doesn’t want to put himself in a situation where Johnny puts food in his mouth. He’s had too much stress these past few days already.

"Come on, try it," Johnny insists.

He gives up, moving to bite the piece of pork, but his desire to run away and his desire to get it over with battle with each other, and it causes him to lunge too far forward. He burns his lip on the tongs, wincing in pain as Johnny quickly pulls it away.

"Oh shit! I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

“It’s fine! It’s fine!” Taeil reassures him, but Johnny steps closer anyway, worried.

"Are you okay?" 

Johnny gently lifts his head by his chin, checking his lip.

They're so, so close. Taeil’s mind jumps to the last time they were this close, and the question he’s been trying to ignore resurfaces:_ Do you really not know? _

In a panic, Taeil pushes Johnny away, forcing a chuckle out. “I’m fine!”

Johnny keeps worrying until he sees Taeil smiling. Only then does he ease up and continue to work on the grill.

They finish up and put out the fire; then, they carry the plates of meat to the table, where the two teens were waiting expectantly. 

They spent the night enjoying the cool breeze while eating, drinking, and playing drinking games. Donghyuk is underage, but Taeil and Johnny allow him one can of beer. Though when he digs into the cooler for a second can, they pretend not to notice (They're not_ monsters _.) 

As the night went on, they all went into a state of sated calm. The two boys settled on playing games on their consoles, while Taeil and Johnny caught up on each other’s lives. Both of them had been quite busy, so they haven’t had the time to hang out as usual.

Johnny talks about the assholes at work, and Taeil talks about how everyone's really nice, but there's just way too much work on his plate.

"The other day, I started dreaming about spreadsheets," Taeil shares.

Johnny laughs, and it felt warm and comforting. Then, the younger man reaches out to pinch his cheek. "Don't work too hard, hyung."

Johnny reaches for Taeil's hand under the table and laces their fingers together. It's probably the alcohol, but he doesn't get as nervous as he thought he would be, not even with Donghyuck and Mark literally right in front of them. 

It's surreal, he thinks, as he looks at the man beside him, skin tan and pink from the sun, hair swept to the side. He looks like everyone's dream, but he's holding _ his _ hand. This man who he grew up loving is holding his hand.

He then looks at his brother. He looks at the three people with him, his only family, on a vacation he would not ever have dreamt of affording back then, he gets a rush of emotions, mostly gratitude. 

He then feels a pang of guilt as he looks at the man beside him. He doesn’t think he can deny it any longer. _ Do you really not know? _Maybe he’s always known, but now, he admits he’s let it get out of control. For years, he could manage it. Despite the days they spent together, he could always shut it off, even sometimes seeming cold or detached. But since that night, he can’t hold it in anymore, and he’s afraid of what it will do to the four of them. One mistake can topple everything over like a castle of cards in the wind. 

Nothing lasts forever. It’s nice to hold his hand, hug him, and kiss him. He can indulge himself now, but when they eventually break apart, he'd be robbing Donghyuck of his only family.

He then makes a conscious decision. 

He won’t do this. 

He can’t do this. 

So he untangles his hand from Johnny’s, and he doesn’t pretend to be busy with something else.

He doesn’t talk. He doesn’t even meet Johnny’s eye for the rest of the night. 

They’ve cleaned up everything, and he’d already begun to pack for their trip home the next day. He checks and double-checks everything, but his mind is on the heavy weight in his stomach, lingering and making it hard to breathe. He swallows it down, knowing that as with anything, it will also pass. Someday, his decision will feel as if it weighed nothing at all. 

After he takes a shower to wash off the sea and smoke from his skin, he sits on the floor trying to stuff the souvenirs Donghyuck bought into his bag. 

The doorknob to his room rattles, followed by a soft series of knocks. In his daze, he’d left the door locked. He quickly moves to unlock it. On the other side of the door is the last person in the world he wants to face right now, but it’s not like he can slam the door on his face, so he looks at him, waiting for him to speak.

“Uhh...” Johnny starts awkwardly. “The kids are playing games… on our bed again.” He clears his throat. “Can I sleep here? We have to get a lot of rest. For the drive home.”

Great. Just what he needed right now. He inhales sharply, and he opens the door to let Johnny in. “Go ahead.”

Once they’re alone, Johnny, in his usual caring way, tries to decipher Taeil’s sudden change in mood. 

“Hey...You okay?”

Taeil tries to sound relaxed, but it comes out forced and blunt. “Of course.”

Johnny approaches him, taking his hand. “Are… are we? Are we okay?”

Taeil is hit by the sadness he’d been trying to bury all night, and for a second, he catches himself wanting Johnny to hold him. He can’t believe this. Just one touch and one question, and his resolve is starting to deteriorate. 

He takes a deep breath and yanks his hand away. “Johnny, don’t do this.”

It’s too late. His chest is heavy with the weight of all the words he’d left unsaid, and the well is starting to overflow, making its way up his throat to the tip of his tongue. He’s going to say everything—there was no turning back now—and it would be the end of everything. 

“It was fine with me. To see you with other people.” 

Realizing that the kids might overhear him, he lowers his voice into almost a whisper. 

“I knew that one day, you’d get married. and I’d be standing there, making a speech about how happy I am for you, and I would have been telling the truth. It was enough for me to see you happy.” 

Taeil inhales, readying himself to nosedive straight to the point. “But then… you kissed me. And it complicates things.”

Johnny’s eyebrows furrow, taken aback. “Why would it complicate things?”

“The three of us — you, me, and Mark… We’re the only family Donghyuck’s got. Things don’t last. And I’d rather love you from afar forever than to eventually ruin whatever family Donghyuck has left.”

Johnny stares at him, silent and still, and he desperately wants for time to turn back. Maybe he wouldn’t have said yes to seeing the beach at night. Maybe he wouldn’t even go on this vacation. Maybe he’d go back to the very day he first fell for Johnny and try to avoid it altogether.

When Johnny finally moves, he steps closer towards Taeil and takes his hand once more.

“Hyung. Listen to me. Even when I was too young to know exactly what love was, I think I already loved you. I tried, you know. I dated other people. But I always looked forward more to meeting you, and I was happier with you, just sitting together doing nothing.” 

Johnny takes his other hand and gathers up the courage to continue. 

“I’d date this girl, and I’d think, oh she’s great, but she’s not smart like Taeil hyung. Or I’d meet with this guy, and I’d think, he’s smart, but he’s not fun like Taeil hyung. It took me too long to realize that I’d been looking for you in other people. It was driving me insane.”

He lets out a quiet, bittersweet laugh. “It was stupid of me to try and keep it in and brush it off all this time. I know I should have been braver.”

Johnny moves even closer, and he cups Taeil’s face in his hands. “But we’re here now, aren’t we?” He pulls him closer, their foreheads meeting. Johnny lowers his voice into a whisper, now pulling Taeil closer by the waist. “I’ll make it work. I’ll make it last. Even when it’s difficult. Even when I want to give up, I won’t.”

In that moment, with the air heavy with their confessions, Taeil believes him. 

He abandons all caution as he places a hand on Johnny’s nape and pulls him into a kiss. He thinks about all their years together, and for that moment, he believes that maybe they can make it work. 

Johnny breathes promises into his lips. “I’ve loved you for ten years— I’ll love you for ten more—and even more after that.”

Taeil’s heart soars, and he imagines a life where it all works out: them being together. He deepens the kiss, brushing his tongue against Johnny’s, and he melts into the warmth of Johnny’s chest. Maybe it will be okay. Maybe it would be worth the risk.

But, in a cruel twist of fate, Taeil’s greatest fears materialize, as the door, which they’ve foolishly left unlocked, flies open. His stomach drops to the ground, down, down to the bottom of the ocean. In its place, an unpleasant cold spreads as a storm brews from inside his chest. There’s no use in pulling apart; Mark had seen everything, and the teen, unable to process what he just saw, sprints away in panic, with Johnny quickly running after him. Taeil hears the front door open and close twice, and he pleads again with the deities, this time for the ground to swallow him whole.

He wants so desperately to follow them, to explain everything, but he's rooted to the spot, terrified. When he realizes that he can’t just stand there forever, he gathers whatever courage he has left to simply put one foot in front of the other to try and follow the two. Once he makes it out of the room, though, he didn't need to go any further. Mark barges back into the house, still followed by Johnny. 

"Hey, listen—" Johnny tries to grab Mark's arm, but he resists. "Leave me alone."

Alarmed by the racket, Donghyuck opens the door to Johnny and Mark's room just as Mark was about to enter. "Hey what's going on?" But Mark doesn't answer. Instead, he pushes Donghyuck back inside, enters the room, and slams the door on Johnny's face.

The sound of the door slamming shakes him down to his bones, and the storm in his chest roars as waves crash violently against his ribs.

Taeil and Johnny look at each other, both feeling lost and confused. Upon seeing the distress on Taeil's eyes, Johnny softens and approaches him.

"It's okay. It's okay," Johnny says reassuringly, wrapping his arms around him. 

"I've never seen him like this." 

"That's just how he is. He'll be okay tomorrow."

"But this is different."

"It'll be fine. I'll talk to him. I'll make it work." 

Taeil pulls away from his embrace. "No, Johnny. It's already happening. Things are falling apart." 

"What? Don't say that." 

"This was a mistake."

Johnny steps back from him, incredulous, running his hands through and pulling at his own hair.

"Why are you giving up so easily?" He can hear the frustration and hurt in Johnny’s voice, and his own guilt becomes so heavy that he can’t say anything in response. 

Johnny continues, and with every word, he feels himself shrinking down to nothing. “Why don’t you trust me? Why don’t you trust us? We’re family! They’re gonna understand, and it’s going to work out!”

Johnny takes a deep breath as he puts his hands behind his head in an effort to control his anger. "You know what? I don't want to talk about this with you right now. Go to sleep. We have a long drive tomorrow." 

And just like that, Johnny leaves him standing there as he heads outside to get some air. Just as he thinks that he can’t possibly feel any worse, the slamming of the front door delivers the final blow, and he feels the heat rising beneath his cheeks, his eyes welling up and threatening to overflow. Try as he might, there’s no stopping it, so he chokes back sobs, wiping his tears away quickly, trying to contain everything.

He goes back into the room, climbs onto the bed, and tries to convince himself to stop crying. _ You need to rest. You need to drive tomorrow. _ He tells himself these things, but one thing keeps popping up in his head: _ It’s all over. _

  
==========

Taeil startles awake from a dream, but as soon as he gets his bearings, it all slips away from his memory. He didn’t even notice that he’d fallen asleep. He's still lying in bed, the lights are still on, but he doesn't know how much time has passed. He reaches for his phone to check the time, but the screen is dead. He is suddenly aware of the sensation of his throat being very dry and of his head being rather heavy.

Slightly disoriented, he quietly makes his way to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. As he makes it to the living room, he sees Johnny curled up sleeping, too tall both for the couch and the blanket he covered himself with.

With the thought of being parched all but forgotten, he approaches Johnny, being pulled towards him by a mix of worry, regret, and affection. As he takes one careful step after another, the sleep seeps away from his mind, and the weight of what happened just hours ago starts returning, settling on his shoulders. 

He sits on the floor just near enough to see Johnny’s face. The sleeping man’s eyebrows were furrowed, with his face scrunched up and eyes moving rapidly from inside his closed eyelids. 

“Having a bad dream?” Taeil whispers to him. “Things have really gone to shit, huh?” 

He gently swipes the hair on Johnny’s face to the side. “I’m sorry, Johnny.”

He then leans forward to plant a soft kiss on Johnny’s forehead. Somehow, Johnny’s expression eases up, and something inside Taeil eases up too. 

He brings up a hand to touch Johnny’s cheek. “This mistake, I’m gonna try and fix it, okay?” Then, suddenly, Johnny stirs. Johnny grabs his hand, and for a second, he thinks that he will swat it away. However, Johnny doesn’t let go of it. Instead, he holds onto it and pulls it towards his chest. Taeil stays as still as possible, mind racing through all the excuses as to why he’s sitting on the floor kissing Johnny’s face. Luckily for him, the younger man drifts back to sleep, this time, more peacefully.

He just stares at him, not knowing how much time is passing and not caring about how his legs are starting to fall asleep. The warmth of Johnny’s hand and slow rising and falling of his chest feel wonderful, magical, and he wonders how it would be to never feel them again. 

He’s going to fix things, yes, but he’s going to stay here and enjoy this while he still can.

The night sky turns lavender and peach, and a small sliver of gold rises from the horizon. Only then does Taeil gently pull his hand away from Johnny’s and tries to get up despite his legs having gone completely numb. 

He gets up and stretches his legs, then moves to make breakfast. Trying not to wake Johnny up, he quietly grabs pans and plates, moving as slowly as he possibly can. 

Then, the door to Mark and Johnny’s room opens, and he feels his nervousness coming in waves. What could he possibly say to Mark? He immediately calms down, though, once he sees his own brother, bleary eyed, walking towards him.

“Good morning, hyung,” Donghyuck greets him with a yawn.

“Hey, kid,” Taeil whispers at him, pointing at Johnny. 

Taking the hint, Donghyuck lowers his voice. “Hyung, is everything okay? What happened with Mark last night?”

Taeil answers him with a question of his own.. “How is he?”

“He just asked me if you and Johnny hyung were together. I told him… well,_ yeah I guess _… then he just sulked and went to sleep. I dunno, he didn’t want to talk about it,” he shrugs.

Taeil takes a deep breath and sighs. “Hyuck, I messed up.”

“What happened?”

“Mark… well he saw us, like you did the other day… and he kind of freaked out.”

“Oh… The gears in Donghyuck’s still-half-asleep brain turn; then, it clicks. 

“Wait, what? It’s not a big deal! I’ll kill him,” he spoke quickly, with indignation, and Taeil raises both hands to calm him down and get him to be quiet. 

“No, no, please. I’ll talk to him later, okay?”

Johnny, awakened by the sunlight and the activity in the house, starts stirring, and Taeil takes this as a sign to stop the conversation. He asks his brother, “Can you go make some toast, please?” 

When Johnny gets up, still half-asleep, he mutters a soft “good morning” before making coffee. Donghyuck greets him back, but Taeil can’t bring himself to do so. He focuses instead on the eggs he’s been frying, now a little burnt on the sides. 

When he sets the table, he sees that Johnny has already made him coffee, but he’s just sitting at the table, not even looking at him. 

Even though he’s afraid of facing Mark, the boy still has to eat, so he asks his brother to call him. "Donghyuck, can you get Mark? We have to leave soon."

"I did tell him. He says he's not hungry."

Johnny speaks up, voice devoid of his usual cheer. "He's lying. Just take a plate to the room."

"Okay.” Donghyuck then fills a plate with toast, eggs, and sausages and carries a cup of coffee back to Mark’s room.

When Donghyuck returns, the three sit in uncomfortable and suffocating silence, so he thinks up of anything to try and break it.

"Johnny, do you want me to take the first driving shift?"

"Did you get enough sleep?" The question is caring, but the voice is cold.

"Yeah," he lies.

"Okay."

He can’t bring himself to talk anymore, so he finishes his food and drinks his coffee as quickly as he can. After breakfast, they still do everything in silence; they clean up, get dressed, and load their luggage into the car with the same heavy air surrounding them. 

Taeil meets with the owner of the house to hand the keys in, and he takes a look around and takes a deep breath. It would have been nice if they left on a good note. There's nothing left to do but for him to get on the driver's seat and to start the long drive home.

After a few hours, the consequence of getting little sleep creeps up on him as he starts to lose focus on the road. It doesn't help that the car has fallen into absolute silence, with Johnny napping and the two teens not talking at all. Taeil glances at the clock and decides that maybe it's an acceptable time to rest and eat. 

He shifts to the outermost lane, getting ready to enter the next rest stop. 

He clears his throat as he turns right. 

“Guys? Let’s stop for lunch.”

Only Donghyuck answers him. “Okay.” 

He stops in front of a small diner, then he gently pats Johnny’s shoulder. “Johnny, wake up.”

Johnny wakens, confused. “Oh, where are we?”

“Rest stop.” 

Taeil addresses everyone. “You guys get off first, I’ll look for parking.”

“Are you sure?” Even though Johnny’s concerned for him, Taeil can still hear the slight resentment in his voice. 

“Yeah. Go ahead.”

The three get off the SUV, and Taeil drives forward towards the massive parking lot. Towards the end, there are plenty of spaces, and he immediately takes an ideal spot. As he gets off the driver’s seat and locks the doors, he sees Mark approaching him.

“Mark?” 

“I forgot my phone,” he explains.

“Oh. Okay.”

Once Taeil unlocks the doors, Mark quickly takes his phone from the backseat, shuts the door, and turns to walk back to the diner. 

Before he misses the chance, Taeil calls out to him. “Wait, Mark... Can we talk?”

Taeil sits down on the concrete parking bump on the empty parking space next to the SUV. He pats the space next to him, and Mark sits beside him, avoiding his gaze. He tries to break the surface of their tension, but they awkwardly speak at the same time.

“Look-”

“I'm-”

Mark gestures to him. “You go first.”

“You know you're like a brother to me, right? We're family, the four of us.” 

Mark scoffs, but it’s less biting and more hurt. “Really?”

Taeil fidgets with his hands, trying to fight the urge to run away. This is it. It’s time to fix everything.

“I'm sorry Mark. The last thing in the world that I want to do is to hurt you—any of you. But I know I messed up. So you can be mad at me all you want. I'll take it. But please don't be mad at your brother anymore. I promise I'll back off. “

“What do you mean you'll back off?”

“I mean it'll never happen again. I'll end it. I promise.” 

Mark, in his surprise, whips his head to face Taeil. “Wait wait wait. No! That's not the point!”

He continues, “I'm just a little mad because you never told me that you were together! And when I told Donghyuck, he didn't seem so surprised either. Why didn't you guys tell me? You said—I thought we were family.”

Well, this certainly didn’t go the way he thought it would. Taeil tries his best to explain everything.

“We are! I'm sorry. I don't know if you'll believe me, but the two of us, we didn't know either. We were just trying to make sense of everything.” 

“Then why does Donghyuck know?” 

“We didn't tell him anything. He just kinda saw us the other day, and he put two and two together.” 

“Oh.” Mark’s tense shoulders fall as he begins to understand the situation.

Taeil takes this time to be as completely honest as he can be. 

“Mark, I admit that we were kinda trying to hide it—from both of you— but only because we didn’t know what was happening yet. The only time we talked about it was last night. We would have told you guys everything once we figured it out.” 

Taeil scoots closer to Mark to ruffle his hair. “We would never keep anything like that from you. I'm really sorry you had to find out that way.” 

“No... no... I actually feel kind of stupid now,” Mark admits sincerely.

Since he’s on a roll anyway, he continues telling Mark the truth. 

“To be honest..., I was actually trying to break things off with Johnny.” 

“What? Why?”

“Because I didn't want all of this to happen. I don't want us guys to fight.”

“Well, don't do it,” Mark says firmly. “When he chased me last night? The first thing he told me was that he loves you a lot... asked me to accept you guys and stuff.” 

“He did?”

“Yeah. So please don't dump him or anything.”

“Are you sure it's okay with you?” 

“Of course. I mean, yeah, I was shocked and everything. But now, I really feel stupid. I’m sorry hyung.”

Taeil pulls him closer. “Don’t worry about it, okay?”

“Come on; my ass kinda hurts sitting here.” 

“Mine too.” 

Mark gets up first, offering his hands to help Taeil up. He gratefully accepts, hips aching from his first driving shift. He stretches for a while before walking with Mark back to the diner.

Then, it hits him: it only took one short conversation. Besides the overwhelming relief, Taeil feels guilt. He finally understands Johnny. In his fear of losing everything, he’d been pushing Johnny away, all the while having very little faith in the little family they’d built. He’s struck not just by how much he loves them, Johnny, Mark, and Donghyuck, but also by how much they love him. 

He finally knew what he had to do to truly fix things, and he commits his heart and mind to it.

When they head to the booth where Johnny and Donghyuck were sitting, he decides to sit beside Johnny.

Donghyuck greets them as they settle on their seats. “What took you guys so long? Anyway, you'll be pleased to know that they have all-day breakfast.” 

“We already had breakfast,” Mark argues.

"And I want breakfast again. Look at this waffle platter,” Donghyuck insists, pointing at the menu.

Intrigued by the huge platter of waffles and various breakfast items, Mark pores over the menu with Donghyuck.

Johnny is absentmindedly leafing through his menu, mind obviously somewhere else. 

He doesn’t want to prolong this any further. Determined, he gently touches Johnny’s arm, and when he doesn’t look, he slides his hand down to lock fingers with Johnny. This finally gets his attention. Johnny looks at him seriously, waiting for him to speak up, so he does.

“Guys, listen. I want to talk to you about something.” 

Mark and Donghyuck look at him, and he gathers his strength to continue, squeezing Johnny’s hand from under the table.

“Would you be okay if Johnny and I dated?”

Mark looks around awkwardly. “Uhhh... We literally just talked about it.” 

“I know. But I wanted to talk about it together.”

“I thought you guys were already dating,” Donghyuck replies, confused.

“No, not really, but I'd really like to. If that's okay.” 

The two teens look around in confusion, but they nod all the same.

“Yeah, it's all good. I told you,” Donghyuck smiles. “But this is really awkward.”

Taeil chuckles with a mix of amusement and relief. Then, he finally turns his head to face Johnny, who was already looking his way. He meets Johnny’s eyes, waiting. Finally, Johnny realizes what’s going on. 

“Oh, you're asking me?”

“Yeah.”

Johnny tilts his head to the side and squints. “I don’t know; I’ll think about it.”

Taeil suddenly gets the urge to jump over the diner bar, crawl through the kitchen, ride the supply truck, and move to a new town, but the urge dissipates when Johnny starts laughing mischievously.

“Of course, of course! I’m just kidding,” Johnny reassures him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. 

“You decided not to give up after all?” Johnny whispers to him.

“Yeah. I’m really sorry, Johnny.”

Johnny pulls him closer, planting a kiss on his cheek, and he’s too delighted to feel embarrassed about it.

The same can’t be said about their brothers though. “Ew, can you guys not do that in front of us?” Donghyuck moves to cover his eyes. Johnny teases him, “Do what? This?” and plants a series of small kisses on Taeil’s cheek. Mark grabs the menu, and him and Donghyuck cower behind it. “Stop!” 

Things shift, the stars align, and things fall into place. Something has definitely changed, but somehow, it’s all still the same. They order, the food arrives, and they all happily chat over lunch just like they always do.

As they walk back to the car, he feels the unrest within him calm down, and in the place of a tempest, the waves in his chest ease into a soothing rhythm.

This time, he takes the passenger’s seat as Mark and Donghyuck animatedly talk about video games in the back. Johnny briefly laces their fingers together and kisses the back of his hand. 

They have several more hours on the road ahead of them, but he already feels like he's home.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hello, i'm a new johnil writer! some notes:
> 
> \- not a literary writer, so i really don't know what i'm doing woops  
\- i don't even know how to tag this and what genre it belongs to  
\- im just here because i love johnil, and i'm a true sucker for johnmark siblings  
\- this is just a small, contained story i convinced myself to finish so that i can practice my writing
> 
> despite all that, i hope you guys like it! 
> 
> (special thanks to you-know-who-you-are for enduring all my ramblings and questions. thanks, too, for proofreading and giving suggestions. if ya ever wanna write your own fic, you can scream about it with me too. let's get it!)
> 
> edit: i have been informed by some people that authors usually link to their twts or ccs, so i made a [cc](https://curiouscat.me/seastormed) if anyone wants to ask anything. here's my [twt](https://twitter.com/johnilmoon) too. (johnil nation let's be mutuals, if we aren't already)


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